All questions made to the host are subject to the discretion of the host as to content and length of time spent on the "Answer Page". All advice given is just that, advice, to be taken at the discretion of the reader. The host does not take any responsibility for any adverse results as reguard to the application of this advice. The advice given here should by no means replace competent assistance available from a licensed therapist or counselor.

Question

Hello. I need some advice. I am a happily married 50 yr professional man with 2 adult children. My wife and I have been together for about 21 years. About 22 years ago there was another girl. We were engaged for a very short period of time. She broke off the engagement. I never was able to get her out of my mind. I still think of her often. I have had NO CONTACT whatsoever with her for 22 years even though she lives only about 12 miles away. About 2 weeks ago I found her email address on the internet. Since then I have been going out of my mind. I can not get her out of my head. I have this incredible urge to email her to let her know that I still think of her even after all these years.I am desperate to know if she ever thinks of me. I am confused.I am in turmoil. I want to email but fear the consequences. I am afraid she might reject me again. I really don't know what her reaction will be.I just don't know what to do.
Answer

If your marriage is so happy, why would you want to potentially destroy your lifetime long relationship with your spouse for someone that you have not seen or made contact with for over 22 years? You are living out a fantasy that should have ended years ago when you became involved with your current wife. I know that your curiosity has gotten the better of your senses, but if she had any feelings for you, she would have never broken off your engagement or would have at least tried to contact you before now. Your wanting to contact her would only set off a landmine in your relationship with your family.

Consider how you would feel if this situation was reversed. Suppose you were the one thinking that your marriage has been going great for the past 21 years. Then, out of the blue, someone your wife dated before you were married casually comes on the scene and your wife is the one getting all hot and bothered. How would you feel if you found out that she was secretly going behind your back, trying to find out if this man still had feelings for you? You would probably feel outraged, hurt, enraged, betrayed, and a host of other feelings when you began to think that she would have feelings for someone other than yourself. NOW you understand how your wife will feel if you go ahead with your plan to e-mail this woman. Think about all you will loose if you do this. Wake up and smell the coffee! You have a happy marriage and a wonderful family. You can never turn back the clock 22 years. Be happy you have a loving wife and family and leave this other woman alone.

My advice to you would be to act as if you never saw her e-mail address. Any contact with her will be considered an approach to restart a relationship that she has probably dealt with a long time ago. As for your feelings, you must get her out of your system. To continue in the way that you have indicated to me would certainly mean the end of your long happy marriage.

Question

I frequent an Internet message board concerned with dating and relationships. I've met some great people there, but two in particular, a man and a woman, both in Ohio. They live three hours apart, and get together once in awhile. I live in Colorado, so I rely on phone and e-mail mostly for contact with them.

The man is the kindest, most companionable person I've ever met, and we've been astonished how easily and completely we've become very good friends.

The woman came to Colorado to ski a couple of months ago, and we spent a weekend in Vail together. She's wonderful, and I confessed to her that I have romantic notions about the man.

She agreed to help in any way she could, and I told her all I really wanted to know was if she thought he had any such interest in me, because I wanted to be able to perhaps tell him how I felt, but only if it wouldn't create awkwardness in our friendship. She didn't know, so I told her I'd have to play it by ear.

The three of us have been planning a vacation together for months. To me, it seemed like the logical thing to wait until I'd met this man in person and see if I still felt the same way before I even considered broaching the subject of romance.

Last weekend (April 18-22) we went to Las Vegas. We had a wonderful time, with the woman and I occasionally talking about whether I was going to say anything to the man about my feelings. Friday morning, she told him how much I liked him and that I was romantically interested in him (while I was in the shower). While he took his shower, she told me she'd told him. Essentially, she'd told him the ball was in his court because I wasn't going to risk our friendship over a crush.

Sunday morning, barely before their flight left, he took me aside to say, "I like you loads, but..." He said he'd even considered romance with me before, but hadn't seriously considered it because it was "just too complicated." He'd tried to figure out how he could move to Colorado, which just isn't feasible. He has four children in Ohio and I have no such ties. I told him that if it came to that, I'd certainly move to him.

Let's start with the fact that I wasn't ready for him to know this. Now that it's out in the open -- especially since it was so premature -- I'm afraid it ruins our chances of ever having a romantic relationship. He "can't" do a long-distance relationship because of a bad experience with one and I certainly wouldn't want that indefinitely. Through that Sunday morning conversation and a phone call since we got home, we have established how sorry we both are for any number of things (hurting each other, scaring each other, not handling the situation the best way, that it can't work out, that our friendship may be affected...). I told him I wished things were back to where they were before our female friend told him about this, and he said, "You're 33. I'm 40. We're big people. We're adults and we can make that happen."

So we're trying to be friends just like before. I'm sure there will be fragile moments and awkward times, but I think we both really want this. Sadly, what I really want is some hope that we may be able to get together romantically in the future. I'm not sure I believe in soulmates, but the longer I know him, the more I think I may have found mine. I know he cares about me a great deal, and as objective as I can possibly be, I think if we lived within driving distance we'd never let each other go.

I'm far too close to the situation to think about it rationally. I don't know what's possible and what's pipe dream. Normally, I'd pitch this story to my friends on our message board. They'd throw all kinds of kind words and good advice to me, but I can't for obvious reasons. I feel so incredibly isolated. Any help you can give would be appreciated.
Answer

I want you to know that I am deeply sorry to hear that you are having problems in your relationship. I know that it must be difficult sharing your feelings with someone you don't even know. I do want to let you know that I take your situation very seriously and will never make light of your plight. This is the type of situation that reshapes your life. I hope that you will approach this situation with great care and contemplation.

It seems that you and he are dealing with this abrupt jolt to your relationship with great wisdom. I know that you would have liked to have given your relationship more time before you revealed your feelings, but the reality of life is that he now knows how you feel. The fact that he still wants to be friends indicates that he at least has a desire for your relationship to continue. If he had been surprised or not wanting your affection, he would have gone running back home without even mentioning that your friend had spilled the beans. He would have high-tailed it out of Vail without even saying goodbye, but he didn't.

My advice to you would be to let your friendship continue to blossom. He has already told you that there may be hope for you two if some of the logistics were worked out. Let your relationship take the course that you hoped it would have taken before things got so complicated. If you continue to grow closer and your friendship grows stronger, then take baby-steps to see if there is any chance of your relationship will be anything more than just two people chatting over the Internet. Certainly don't uproot yourself and move to his home town. He might think you are a lunatic trying to stalk him. Give your relationship the time to mature and develop before you even try to test it for romance.

I hope this has been a help for you. If you would like to provide further information, I would be glad to continue helping you. If you would like to respond to any of my comments, feel free to continue our discussion.

Question

Continuation of the Above Consultation. The Following Message Was Sent In Reply of Host's Advice.
Thank you so much for your very sensible and kind words. I was happy to see that the advice that you gave was more or less the course I had decided on -- having validation helps sometimes. Unfortunately, a wrench has been thrown into the works: the boy in question called me in turmoil tonight to confess that he has been carrying a torch for the very friend who revealed my feelings to him. He intends to tell her of this tomorrow night. In the long conversation we had about all this, he told me that the revelation in Vegas (where she told him I had romantic leanings his direction) kind of spurred him to make his own revelation. He wanted to talk to me about this "new" situation because he knew there was great potential for hurt and because he needs a friend and wants someone to talk to day after tomorrow -- whatever happens with our mutual friend. I try to do the right thing. I want to be a good person. So I told him that yes, it hurt, but I was more concerned with being his friend than railing against the situation. Frankly, there's a lot of bubbling in me that doesn't want to help this relationship at all, and doesn't want to be there for him on Sunday. The other piece in the current version of the puzzle is that we're all supposed to go to Chicago for a sort of reunion with a bunch of our internet friends next weekend. Cathy (the girl) wanted me to go so much that she used some airline vouchers (she was bumped off a flight recently) to buy my ticket. So I feel obligated to go, on one hand. On the other, by my count we are now looking at six or seven couples and me, whereas before, there were five or six couple and Dennis and Cathy and me (presupposing they hook up, which I think they will. I never had the slightest inkling Dennis had any romantic notions about Catie, but I've long suspected she had such feelings for him). There's something selfish about refusing to go, I know, but there's a voice inside my head that says I've earned the right to be selfish here. When Dennis and I talk on Sunday, he's already told me he's going to talk me into going to Chicago regardless. I don't know that there's anyway I could be anything but moody if I go. That's not fair to anyone, and it's not fair to me to expect me to be the constant fifth wheel. I can't tell you how glad I am you answered my original message, and just that you're here. Dennis called me at 11:30 my time and we didn't get off the phone until 1:00. It's too late to call a friend, and I'm not going to sleep unless I get this organized like this. Well, mostly organized. I hope it's coherent enough for you to get the gist. It gets more confusing for me every waking minute.
Answer

I am sorry that things are getting more complicated for you in your relationship with your internet friends. I know that it must have been quite a shock to hear that Dennis has feeling for Cathy. Unfortunately, I feel that Cathy used your feelings for Dennis in Vegas to force Dennis to reveal any feelings he might have had for Cathy. It is a kind of "relationship Russian roulette" maneuver that uses someone other than yourself as the "sacrificial lamb" to see where the man (that would be Dennis in this situation) had in the way of romantic leanings. It is a gamble, but it is most successful for those who want to use a backward approach to finding out if someone is interested in them. It seems, from what you have told me, that Cathy used your feelings to see if Dennis had any romantic leanings for her.

The GOOD NEWS for you is that, although you went through a very agonizing moment when Cathy thrust you out there on the scene with Dennis, you now know that no matter how things might have gone with you and Dennis; he would have always been thinking about Cathy in the back of his mind. I know that doesn't sound like good news to begin with, but believe me when I tell you that it is better for you not to become involved in someone that is just using you to get closer to his intended target (that would be Cathy). Now you find yourself in an even more agonizing situation by being around Dennis, who you care for, but he is now having feelings for Cathy. While this would normally make you want to run and hide under a rock somewhere, you can use this to your best advantage. When I say "use" in this, I do not mean in the way that Cathy used your feelings for Dennis to improve her own standings.

My Advice to you would be to try and be patient. I know that will be hard for you to sit back and see someone you have feelings for go out with someone else. I know that you will not enjoy hearing about their dates or feelings for each other. But if you really like this guy, then you can use the information you observe in their relationship to determine if he is worth waiting for. Observe how he treats her, how he talks about her when she is not around, how he values her opinions, how he respects her desires. Then, make sure you would want to even consider being with a guy that would treat you in the same way. Ask yourself if that would be the type of man you would want to have in your life after learning how he relates to others in relationships.

As for the Chicago trip, go ahead and go! Make the most of your time with your friends. Remember, they were your friends before you began to consider having any feelings for Dennis. I know that it will be strange to be the only one there without a significant other, but use that to make everyone else jealous of your freedom. When we tend to become infatuated with someone, we begin to stop having fun and just being ourselves. Make sure you continue to be the person you are today. Just because it didn't work out with Dennis does not mean that you might never find happiness in a relationship. When you least expect it, you will find the person that fits you perfectly. Then you will know it for certain that he was the man for you.

Question

I am married and have 3 beautiful children. I am a Christian, my husband is not. I have been saved, but do not attend church as I should. My problem is that I am constantly turning to the same sin over and over. I know that I am not showing my husband or my children how to be a Christian. How do you deal with the same sin constantly in your life? PLEASE HELP, I DO WANT TO BE A BETTER CHRISTIAN.
Answer

I first want to let you know that I am praying for you and your situation. It is vital that you understand that you are not alone in this difficulty. I am sure you have prayed about this, so I will join with you in lifting this burden before God and allowing Him to see to your needs.

This problem that your having is not an uncommon problem in today's Church. There are countless numbers of people that are having the same difficulty with recurring sins. What is the source of this problem? One major reason that this is happening in most of the cases, like your own, is that you are trying to live a good Christian life without any support. Christianity and Church is more than getting dressed up on Sunday and sitting through someone speak for an hour. It should be a vital hour of soul-replenishing spiritual worship and instruction that feeds your soul.

Let me ask you a question. What happens when you skip a meal? You might feel a little discomfort, but for the most part you are OK. How about if you skipped eating for a whole day? Well, you would definitely feel hunger pains and you might even feel weak. Now, follow me, what would you feel like if you didn't eat for a week? Most likely, your body would have adjusted to not eating, but your body would search out sources of energy to keep you going. You would not be functioning in the proper way and you would not be able to do some tasks, simply because your body could not handle the work.

Now, when you go a day without prayer, Bible study, and fellowship with God; your spirit will be slightly weak, but you will not miss it too much. When you go without these vital aspects of a Christian walk for an extended period, then your spirit will be susceptible to all manner of temptation and sin. Once your spirit is yielded over to this type of activity without God's influence in your life, then you will begin to habitually sin. Does this mean you are no longer a Christian? NO. It simply means that the world has a greater influence on your life than God.

THE REMEDY is found in a closer relationship with God. You must truly repent (turning the opposite direction) of your sin and ask God for victory over that area. Ask God to "clean house" in your life and allow Him control over every aspect of your life. Then, make certain you have daily contact with God. Spend time each day in Bible study and prayer (make certain that you allow God to speak to you during this time, not just dumping a "grocery list" on Him). Spend time asking God how He wants you to live your life, what you should do with each day, how you should approach raising your children. Then, seek out the fellowship of other believers. Why church is so vital? Because at a proper church, you gain support from fellow believers who are struggling in their own Christian walk. You are spiritually fed by teachers and a pastor that explain God's Word to you. Your needs are lifted up to God by other believers. Your spiritual walk is nurtured by others who are further along in their spiritual journey.

When you have done all this, does that mean that you will no longer have problems with sin? No, but you will be better equipped to deal with your problems, temptation and sin. You will be less likely to sin, but until we reach that Glorious Day in which we are called Home to Heaven (where we will be given a life without the influence of sin), we will all sin at some point or another. Does that mean we stop trying not to sin? Heaven Forbid! Each day that we seek to be more like Christ, the less likely we are to disobey God and sin.

I hope that this has been a help. If you do not understand any part of this or would like to comment about my advice, please feel free to continue our dialogue.

I'll Be Praying For You!

Question

Hi, I think that you have given a lot of really great advice for the people on your board. You are doing a great job! I never thought that I would be one to write in, but I'm just so confused and I was looking for a little advice on this certain problem.

To make a very long story short, I have this boyfriend. We have been going out for about 5 years now. Around this time last year, I was having some problems with our relationship and in Novemer 1999, I broke it off with him.

Well, we ended up getting back together around March of this year. I felt really good about getting back together with him. I think I needed the break in our relationship to re-evaluate everything. And it has helped me a lot. My boyfriend, on the other hand (and understandably so), is so closed off to me now. He tells me that his defenses are up 100% to me still because he can't stand to get hurt again.

We used to do everything together in our relationship. Every vacation we ever took, we took together, just us two. Even the trips to the supermarket we were together and we enjoyed it.

So now, here is my problem; he is telling me that he wants to go out and have "fun". stressing the point that he is still going to be "loyal" to me and that I will still be his number one "priority" but nonetheless, he wants to go out with his single bachelor friends and do "bachelor things". His friends drink and go to Hooters resturaunts and strip clubs. Now he and a bunch of his guy friends, including some of his friend's girlfriends are going to Las Vegas for the weekend. His friends are pretty wild. He did ask me if I wanted to go.. but it was a pity ask... (you know?). Like he told me about the trip and then afterwards, he said so insincerely, "Oh, by the way, do you want to come?" I wouldn't have been surprised if he had been crossing his fingers behind his back hoping I would say "no". Not like I would have gone anyways, because it is HIS thing. I know that he would be having a lot of fun out with his friends without me and if I was there, it would ruin a lot for him.

My boyfriend and I have always had a pretty quiet and private relationship. We used to go to Las Vegas every chance we got (it is only a 4 hour drive away). I feel like that is our special place.

I guess my question is this: What does this mean? How should I handle this? Am I wrong to feel so jealous and hurt? Am I being too oversensitive? Please help if you can. When I decided to come back to my boyfriend a few months ago, I decided to come back giving 110% of myself. But he doesn't even seem like he is trying. We're both 22 years old. I realize I am sounding a bit selfish right now, But I just don't know how else to explain all this confusion I am feeling. Is it possible for my boyfriend to be working 50 hours a week, be a full time bachelor AND have a steady girlfriend? I told him that I don't see how he can do it because he is always complaining that we never get to spend enough time together and now he wants to spend more time apart? does this make sense?

Also, is there such a thing as too much jealousy? I know that they say that if you REALLY trust someone, you shouldn't be jealous. I trust my boyfriend. I know he would never cheat on me, but I don't trust the girls he works with. He works in a bar-like setting and most of the women are... to put it kindly w****s. Some of those girls are going with him to Vegas. I'm so torn between feelings, because I know that it would be stupid and selfish of me to lay territorial claim on Vegas as a vacation spot... seeing as how it is a popular spot to go to. However, I'm hurt because it kind of feels like he is not only exploiting our special thing, but also tramping around there with other girls.

He says he still loves me and there is no other he would rather be with, but should I really feel like I am supposed to be at his beck and call? I'm sorry this whole message is so jumbled and jumpy. Thanks for your time and for all the effort that you put into your page.
Answer

I appreciate you allowing me the opportunity to help you with your situation. I know that your situation is a difficult one and by asking my opinion, you are placing a certain trust in me. I hope that I convey in what I write the utmost in empathy and concern for you. While the extent of my ability to offer you comfort and solace is just a page full of words, I hope you understand that what I am saying here is with utmost thought and consideration for your situation. What I have sent you is not just some pattern answers that are thrown out every time someone responds to my page. While you may disagree with some of the views I express, I hope you will keep an open mind and at least consider what I am saying. I appreciate your words of encouragement. I will do my best to help you.

The best method for giving advice and working through problems is through a dialogue. I hope that you will keep this in mind and consider responding to my advice. Let me know how you feel about what I have said. Elaborate further on you situation to help me understand everything that is happening. Tell me how you feel about your boyfriend's response to any of my advice. Let me know if what I say is ringing true to your situation. By doing this, you will enable me to help you further. Remember, I can only respond to what I read in your e-mail. I am limited by this medium, so the more you can tell me, the better my advice will be.

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From what you have told me, it seems to me you really care about this guy. Even though you broke your relationship off with him, you still got back together. The problem seems to lie in the way in which he is responding to all this. While you feel that everything is the same, or even better now that you are back with him, he does not feel this way. To him, it seems that he is exhibiting a resentment toward you for the breakup. He is expressing this attitude in his casual attitude toward you. Instead of spending all his time and energy in you, he has pulled back and away some. This is a typical reflex that he may not even be aware that he is doing. It is just like the first time you touch something that is hot. Once you are burned, you are more cautious so you will not be burned again. It seems, from what you have said, that he is approaching your relationship more cautiously because of his fear of being burned (or dumped) again. He is doing this by investing more time in his friends and other activities, things he has less of an emotional investment in or is sure will not "burn" him.

There is another possibility! He could be trying to make you jealous. He could be trying to show you that he is not dependent upon you for happiness. This would convey that he really does want to be with you, only he is trying to insure that you realize that he could "get away" and would elicit greater devotion from you. While this is a very foolish method of courtship, it does seem to be having an affect upon you.

My best advice is that you sit him down before his trip and let him know how you feel. Tell him that you love him deeply and that what he is doing is making you feel uncomfortable. Tell him that you trust him, it is his friends that you do not trust. Let him know from the beginning that you are leaving it up to him to decide whether or not he will go, only that you are concerned that his friends may influence him to do something that he will later regret.

If he says anything about needing to "sow his wild oats" or "do his own thing", then you know that he is basically talking about being unfaithful to you. Trust has nothing to do with allowing someone you love do whatever they want. Trust has everything to do with the knowledge and belief that your significant other (spouse) will never do anything to destroy your trust. It means knowing that he/she will be faithful no matter who they are with or what situation they are placed in. It means that even if he happened to meet Miss America or his favorite movie actress, the main thought in his mind would be, "Wow, wouldn't it be great if Robyn were here to see this!" Trust means that he could be anywhere with anyone and knowing his thought are only about YOU!

If he really loves you, he will not want to do anything that would hurt you. Same for you, if you really love him, you will not do anything that will hurt him. Meaning, if you love and trust him, you will allow him to go on this trip. If he really loves you and understands that going will only hurt you and cause you to distrust him, then he will not want to go.

Question

I met this wonderful man. He came on quite strong emotionally,...I was swept off my feet. I loved every second, ..and responded emotionally. Then he suddenly cooled off...gave me a chat about just being friends...so I too have cooled off. Should I try to make him jealous, ...or be playing hard to get...was I supposed to be playing games all along? I hate all of that stuff. He knows that I like him a lot.
Answer

It pains me greatly to hear that you have gone through such a difficult situation. I know that when love comes into a relationship, all the rules of conduct are changed. I know that experiencing strong emotional ties with someone makes the loss of that relationship very difficult to accept. Even though your relationship was brief, the intensity of emotions and reactions to those emotions have caused the loss of this individual to be akin to the feelings one has when someone close to them dies. While you still see this individual in the course of the day, you no longer have the opportunity to express the feelings you once had for him. Please, whatever approach you take with this man, make sure that it will not further cause injury to your emotional state.

Never allow anyone to make you approach a relationship any other way than how you feel most comfortable. Don't play the games if you don't like to play them, even though the man might be the best thing since sliced bread. If the feelings are mutual, then he will not mind taking things at your pace.

Question

My fiance lied to me about his sexual past. I know it is in the past. I am so hurt by the lies. We have had some problems with his ex girlfriends, and it seems like it won't go away. How do I let go of the pain his exes have caused to me by the things they have said to me.
Thank you.
Answer

You are certainly not in an easy situation. First, you consider it more of an offense to you that he lied to you, rather than the fact that he was sleeping around. What will be special about your marriage if both or either of you have been sleeping around. The act of making love is to be the most intimate, trusting, close, and bonding experience of your life. If one simply goes around doing this with anyone that comes along, it cheapens any type of relationship they may have in the future.

Second, I believe that you are going to have to sever all ties with his ex girlfriend. I know that you have not actively sought out her attention, but you must do everything you can to keep her out of your relationship. That will mean getting unlisted phone numbers, new e-mail accounts, changing locks, maybe even moving out of the area. If she breaks into your home again, call the police and report her intrusion into your privacy. Whatever she is doing, you must find a way to keep her out of your business. If that means taking out a restraining order against her, then you should consider it part of the cost of making your relationship work.

I would definitely make a point to rethink your priorities. If you really want your relationship and eventual marriage to work, make sure you are able to trust one another beyond any doubt. Make it a point to spend time telling each other everything that may come out in the future. Make sure not to hold anything against each other for activities that happened before you met each other. Be fair! Understand that there is no way to go back and change events of the past. Know that each of you have done things with others that you now consider between just the two of you. You must build on the trust and expectations you each have within your relationship.

I hope that what I have said will help you in your situation. You must know that the hurt that you now feel about his lying will only be compounded many times over if you do not get everything out in the open. I hope that you will understand that as much as you value honesty, you must have trust if you are to keep your relationship healthy.

If I can be of any further help, perhaps you would like to discuss other aspects of your relationship, I am open and willing to continue our discussion. If you believe that I am completely wrong about your situation and you would like to explain further, feel free to do so. I would ask that you explain why you believe a particular way if you disagree with my advice. However you take my advice, I hope your relationship with your fiancee works out and you are able to overcome these difficulties.

Question

Continuation of the Above Consultation. The Following Message Was Sent In Reply of Host's Advice.
I think you misunderstood me. He hasn't slept around on me. This was a year before we met. He dated someone, whom he really didn't care about, and had a relationship that was just physical to him, although she cared about him. That is what is hard for me. I didn't think he would "use" someone like that.
Answer

I think you misunderstood me. I realize that he has not cheated, at least not that you know of, while dating you. But the bigger question is, why would you want to date someone who would be in a relationship for purely physical reasons (without caring for that individual) rather than love? It also should make you take pause and consider if you can actually point to specific reasons you believe he has matured and grown from the type of person who would do this type of thing.

I want to be clear! I AM NOT ENCOURAGING YOU TO BREAK OFF YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR FIANCEE! What I am suggesting is that you be certain that he is the type of man NOW who will not bring grief and distrust to your relationship in the future. Now is the time to discover if your relationship will last for the next fifty to sixty years. Don't find yourself married with three kids and discover that he has been lying and cheating on you all along. Marriage is the type of commitment that is intended to last for the rest of your life. Are you certain that you want to be with this man "for as long as you both shall live, till death do you part"?

I understand that you main problem that you came to me about had to do with his ex girlfriends. I hope that my advice about them is something you can use. The main thing that you must remember is that they are most likely motivated by one or more reasons: jealousy, anger, rejection, or spitefulness. While it is not very likely they are concerned for your welfare (sharing this information to keep you from making a mistake with this man), they are most likely motivated by a reaction to the rejection they feel. I hope that you will keep this in mind. You could possibly share with them that while they did not have a lasting relationship with your fiancee; you are quite happy and nothing they will do, short of catching him in the act, will change your attitude toward him.

I hope you resolve your problems and that everything goes well. If you would like further discussion and advice, you are welcome to continue e-mailing your thoughts.

Question

I am 31 years old, and I've been married for just 1 year. I have a 3 year old daughter, that lives 1400 miles away. I have considered moving there to be with my daughter, but my wife doesn't really want to go, She's raising her son. She keeps saying, "It's for family." I really don't want to move there , but I have to give my daughter a father.
Lost In Space!!
Answer

Please forgive me for not getting back with you any sooner. I have been away from my work for a couple of weeks at a convention related to my profession. I do not yet have the capability of checking for responses to my web page away from my office.

Please provide more information related to your situation. Does your child (the one that lives 1400 miles away) only have her mother to care for her? Has her mother married someone else? Are you supporting your child through child support payments? Is your child's mother unable to care for her?

Next, what kind of relationship do you have with your step-child? It his father involved in his life? How would this type of move affect your wife and her child?

Question

I am having a problem in paradise. First of all, I am 23, he is 30 (we've both never been married, no kids). We have known each other a little over a month. We've been interested in each other from day one. I am VERY picky about who I date, so when I find someone, I am glad and I want to try as much as possible to keep them. We are both attractive people that are good-hearted. We have LOTS in common: hobbies, interests, values, morals, goals, family, etc.... He is more affectionate than I am (or at least at first). I am generally an affectionate person, it just takes me a small while to get comfortable and get to know someone first. He felt bad and a little upset I wasn't moving as fast as he was affectionately. He wasn't trying to be sexual, just affectionate (cuddling, hugging, kisses, etc). I am now perfectly comfortable being affectionate with him, since I now know him better. He for some reason thought we were 2 "different" people (I dont see that), and he thought we might be better off as just friends, and even debated whether we should even talk anymore. Well, I had a long talk (e-mail) with him...and everything was good after that... although we decided to be friends for now to start over and get to know each other without intimacy or expectations...but it was a good possibility in the future to become more. He came to my birthday party on June 9th (Friday). He was there a pretty long time, and we were friendly and affectionate (sat on his lap, held hands some, hugged a lot, etc). Everyone thought he was nice and very attentive towards me. He bought me a bottle of Merlot wine, burned a CD w/ my favorite songs on it (w/ my picture on the CD cover), and he gave me a card that he wrote: "I am very greatful I found you. You are a very sweet woman, never change that!". He has told me in the near past that I am very special, unique, hard-to-find qualities, and that it would be a loss if I wasn't in his life. Well, after the party I e-mailed him a "thank you" letter: stating I was thankful for him coming to my party and the presents he gave me. I told him also that I thought he was a special guy and that I was greatful he came into my life too! I told him I'd call him Saturday afternoon, and for him to have a great day. I called him (left a voicemail) Saturday night to ask him if he wanted to go out that night (some friends were gonna go to eat then dancing, and I invited him along). He didnt call back, so I assumed he was already busy...no biggie. I called him Sunday morning (left a voicemail) to ask if he wanted to do something...he called back shortly and said he already had plans all day/night. I asked if he wanted to get together sometime this week...he said he was starting a new job position on Monday and wanted to see how that went. He asked how my weekend was...etc...general talk. I told him I would call him on Monday...he sounded a bit groggy/down, so I asked him if that was OK or if something was wrong...? He said no, that he had too much cereal just then (borderline diabetic). So, I called him Monday night and left a voicemail: I was flirticious, nice, and I asked how his weekend was and how his new job is going, and if he wanted to do something sometime this week, and that I had the pictures from the b-day party developed and I'd scan them and e-mail them to him. He never called back that night. I saw him online LATE that night and "I.M."ed him, saying "What are you doing up this late? :-)"...he didnt answer back...so I said "Sorry for bothering you"...no reply. So I signed off. The next day (Tuesday) I e-mailed him the party pictures, including a pic of us. I then extended an invitation to go out this week (again), but then added that it's now his call (his move) if he wants to go out (I was nice about it). No reply, no call. It is now Wednesday, and still no call, no e-mail, no nothing. And he has e-mailed a friend of mine (a male) numerous times this week! So I'm thinking "well, if he has time to e-mail my friend, and regardless, I called him and e-mailed him things that I required answers to and no reply... what is going on??" The fact that he had doubts a week ago, but they were undoubtably resolved before my birthday party...to now everything is cool now. Maybe I am being paranoid. But I've gotten no return call, no reply on e-mail, no nothing. Me or my friends cannot figure out what's going on in his head...I guess no one can. But I'm trying to think of the best way humanly possible to handle this situation delicately. Because I truly don't want to lose him or us. But if that's the way it's gonna turn out I suppose I cant help that. But I sure don't want to give up easily! So, I want to at least talk to him or something...! Please let me know how to handle this the best way possible. Any information, advice, or input would be appreciated!
Answer

Please try to slow down with your approach to this guy. I understand that you are anxious and fear losing your relationship with him. You must understand that your persistent efforts to reach out to him are only making your status with him worse. You must not place yourself in danger of being manipulated or allow yourself to be taken advantage of. If this man is decent at all, he will respect your desire to move at a pace that is comfortable to you, even if it is not comfortable for him. If he has any feelings for you, he will be willing to wait for an eternity to be with you.

You have already made your feelings know to him, so he knows that you like him. Give him some space. If you constantly try to contact him, it makes you look desperate and gullible. He could even be using this as a way to make you do things in your relationship that you are not ready to do. Make sure that you and he are ready to commit a lifetime together before you do anything that you could regret when you are out of the heat of the situation.

Question

Continuation of the Above Consultation. The Following Message Was Sent In Reply of Host's Advice. Thanks for the advice. I realize all of this. Although, I am slowing down on how much I communicate, I feel I need to communicate a few more times, and if he doesn't respond, quit for quite a while. He has slowed down, and has even made it his decision to do so. So now we are just friends and are still interested I think...just taking things slower. Although lately, he has backed off a bit more than I had hoped or expected. I think it's the mix of working, being busy, and the fact that were arent "hot to trot" anymore. I know he still likes me and wants to spend time with me... it's just not as much anymore, unfortunately. I hope there will be a way someday soon hopefully I can change that. I am flying by the seat of my pants here...I'm not sure what to do....MsStudly
How Are Things Going? Has Your situation improved? Can I be of any further help?

Continued yet again. Same person. Kind of, actually. I spoke with him last night. And we had already distinguished we were just friends, weeks ago. But he had been avoiding me a little because he thought I wanted "more", and he didn't know how to act or handle it, etc.... I was honest and told him I wanted more, I was interested and attracted to him...but that I'm a big girl and can handle being just friends right now. He thinks the biggest difference we have is our communication, that I am perhaps not as communicative as he is, and it's slightly different, somehow. I laughed, because I am VERY communicative, and that is important to me too...and I was thinking the same about him! Weird. I told him just that. So, with this misunderstanding we have, first of all, I'm not sure how to prove to him or what to say that what he thinks is wrong, because it truly is. And it's unfortunate he feels and thinks this way. Believe me when I say I would normally take that and move on...but he is a really special wonderful guy I like a lot. I will carry out his wishes and not "try" anything a friend wouldn't. But at the same time, I'm wondering how I can act, say, do around him to put me in the light of a potential girlfriend, as opposed to "one of the guys" or whatever.... I want to give myself the best chance I have to be with him romantically (sometime in the future), besides just going with the flow and acting myself. Any advice or info you can give will be helpful, thanks.
Answer

One of the best ways that you can handle this situation is to be the best friend you can possibly be. Just be yourself. Don't try so hard to make every word and gesture to be the "right" thing. Let your natural disposition be the "lure" that will win his heart over. If it was meant to be, there won't be a moment that will pass without his noticing and thinking about you. Always remember, the relationships that we have tend to build on our character and person. Take the best you have had from this relationship and make it a part of your life. Then, when you do find "Mr. Right", even if you have already met him, you will have all the means to build on that relationship.

Question

I am a senior in high school, and I have been struggling with the way I feel when I walk down the hall at my school. I thought it would go away after my freshman year, but I still feel like everyone is looking at me. I just want to be like everyone else. What can I do?
Answer

When you look at others, do you believe they all feel good about themselves? Everyone goes through a period of time when they want to compare themselves to others. Be happy that you are different, because everyone who feels that they are like everyone else wants to be different. Girls with curly hair want to have straight hair. Guys who are tall want to be shorter and guys who feel short want to be taller. Perhaps you need to talk with someone who will help you accept yourself for who you are. Mental and Spiritual health begin when you are willing to accept yourself for who you are and a willingness to make the most of who you are. When you have that perspective, what others think of you is no longer an issue for your life.

Question

When is the right age to start dating?
Answer

It all depends upon your maturity. If you can act like an adult, then you might be ready. If you still act like a child, then you need to wait.

Question

It seems like every time I come home, my parents want to know everything that has happened to me during the day. Can't they just let me go to my room and let me be alone?
Answer

You need to understand that your parents care about you. They only have your best interests in mind. Give them a little time once you get home and then they will most likely give you time to be alone.

Question

My girlfriend and I were so much in love. We spent every day together and had things goin' on. Then, all of a sudden, she just broke it off. I don't know what happened. She just said that she couldn't be with me any more. What am I supposed to do? How can I get back with her?
Answer

Listen, something had to have happened. If you didn't do something, maybe someone else did. Give it some time. Let her know that you still care. If it was meant to be, she will come back. If not, you need to just move on and get on with your life.